Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.