Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

True.

Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok