Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

Well, my evening plans are ruined

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

Wait a minute

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”