GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
You Might Also Like
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
they really do be looking like this
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”