“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
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At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
New social distancing rules: you may go on walks with loved ones but they must remain 6 feet behind you and if you turn around to look at them, they will stay in the underworld forever
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Does anyone ever spiral into control?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid