GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
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I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Finally, an explanation.
