GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
You Might Also Like
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food