Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

me and my fake scenarios

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

This raises questions

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

Based Erika

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

Hell yeah 👍

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.