Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”

*embarrassed silence in the room*

“Wow. Tough crowd.”

Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

I am, perchance

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

That’s amazing.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?