Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

Spring of Deception

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?

me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts

IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?

me: well, where to begin…

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.