Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.