GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
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Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.