Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”

Are you ok, human???

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends