GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
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9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.