GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
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My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.