Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

*swipes right on my hand mirror

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.