GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
aesthetic
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Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA