gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
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Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee