gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
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My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Investing in beetcoin
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.