gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
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“That’s what” – She
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
why no one uses midhusbands
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Sounds like a bargain
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
incredible google review i just found
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.