gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
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How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Encore…
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.