gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
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Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there鈥檚 nothing grillable left in the house.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
馃毇No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
馃槀
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A 蟺thon
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it鈥檚 been years馃槍
Namaste
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What鈥檚 the worst that can happen?
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.