Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

what day is it?

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.