Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

When they try to steal your moment.

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

I bet