Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spent two days in bed with the flu and didn’t have to make dinner. So now I’m thinking about pulling a Grandpa Joe and staying in bed to get out of making dinner for another decade

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

Breaking news:

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.