Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

Show yourself some self-love.

No. Not in public.

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.