GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
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Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.