Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

😂👽

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

it’s a van. how do they not know this

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

is there nothing we can trust anymore