*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
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Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Choose your fighter
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Investing in beetcoin
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate