*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
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My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.