Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”

I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass