Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?

Me: *raises hand*

Them: Get out.

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.