gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
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Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Y’all know who you are.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.