Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

it’s finally my moment to shine

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in