Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
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dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning