Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

A bold strategy

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.