Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

Can. I. Help. You.

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)

9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake

Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)

9: What the heck was that?!

Me: Aftershock

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.