Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

date: tell me about yourself

me: I want to kill the moon

date: I have a bit of a dark side too

me: [narrows eyes]

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up