Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: *leaves on read*

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

Lmfao

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.