Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I were this cool 😂

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.