GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
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Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Alexa: *deep breath*
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?