@ArfMeasures

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

You Might Also Like

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That’s true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
DATE: Hi.
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?

@MarlonBrandNO

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

@Death_Buddy

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

@underalls

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

@gruffybeard

Her: Why’s the couch smell like pee?

[Flashback to me watching The Ring alone]

Me: *points at son* I think someone had another “accident.”

@noneofyours99

That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.

@Elizasoul80

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

@mattZillaaaa

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat