Here we go again. #MAsnow ??
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
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ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That’s true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”
*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I want a sex change.
From “none” to “some”.
Her: Why’s the couch smell like pee?
[Flashback to me watching The Ring alone]
Me: *points at son* I think someone had another “accident.”
That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat