Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
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MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
john wicks are toilet candles
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.