Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
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Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Pizza is an emotion right?
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.