@whalesmells

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

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@Dawn_M_

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

@werehedgehog

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

@chudneyspears

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

@mommajessiec

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

@ArfMeasures

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

@pilau

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

@SkinnieTalls

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

@thecrabbyhook

My daughter wants to know when the hamster we “planted” in the garden will start growing.