Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

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How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.


When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.


Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.


[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess


GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*


Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for


Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?


My daughter wants to know when the hamster we “planted” in the garden will start growing.