How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
You Might Also Like
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we “planted” in the garden will start growing.