Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
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Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life