gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
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Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius