Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

I stand by it

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail