Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.