Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
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Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…