Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

Worth the read.

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

I just love that new Pope smell.

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?