GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
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My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
asking santa clause for nudes
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom