GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
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tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.