Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

girls literally only want one thing..

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

I finally found a reason to live again.

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”