Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”