gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
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old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I’m putting together a team
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
From Facebook just now…
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.