gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
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My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
just left a huge legacy in there
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.