gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
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I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
All is fair in drunk and war.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
why isn’t he texting back
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or