gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”