Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

My zodiac sign is pistachio

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try