Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
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My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
repaired
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
A recipe for laughter
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
