Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.