Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

Ironic

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.