Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water

me looking at the christmas cookie tray:

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.