Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Yup

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14