GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
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[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
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