Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
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Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
That’s no pocket rocket.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”