GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
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a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.