GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
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Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.