Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
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There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
This hospital has everything
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
