Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

Tuesday

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles