ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
You Might Also Like
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
How does one answer this?
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]