Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

i can’t wait that long

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”