ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
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“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.