Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

😍😂🥰😂😍

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

Stop.

if a cop pulls u over play dead

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.