Ghost costume 😂
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I think I’ll stand
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Spring of Deception
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.