Ghost costume 😂
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6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.