Ghost costume 😂
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I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I have a type: disappointing
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Proctologist = Analyst