Ghost costume 😂
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No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Hot hot hot 🥵
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt